It's been a long and frustrating road, but I have finally resolved the touchpad issues that have plagued me for seemingly forever in Linux. By installing libinput and using it in favor of the Synaptics touchpad driver, the touchpad sensitivity issues that have often plagued my sessions of heads-down programming have come to an end.
On the flip side, however, the latest kernel build for Dell/Ubuntu 16.04 has destroyed Bluetooth support on this laptop.
“Dude, you got a Dell.” Please, don't snicker.
No, I haven't given up on Apple. I am still heavily entrenched in the Apple infrastructure, and have no intent of changing that. I still do lots of development on macOS, and will continue to do so for some time. But my next gig is heavily ops oriented, and I want to develop on something as close to what I will deploying on as possible.